So here it is, the dating stories, I have numbered them to avoid naming names and I am going to do them in installments of 10 so that it isn’t too long/dull to read. Some stories are a little more hazy than others, first dates and alcohol tend to go hand-in-hand! If you can’t face all of them the gems are no’s: 8, 9 and 10

The Rebound

I’m not sure this one really counts as a “dating” story. It was about a month after I broke up with my long-term boyfriend and I was feeling needy. I decided to go on a night out and drink my sorrows (never wise) and I had the subtlety of a brick about the fact I was looking for a rebound. Of course No. 1 saw the opportunity and took his chance. He was a friend’s brother which definitely wasn’t ideal and probably why it fizzled before anything started.

The First Tindee

No. 2 is the first Tinder date, I felt sick with nerves and had no idea what to expect. I was in fact very pleasantly surprised. Stood at London Bridge station, looking at every passer by thinking “Oh God please don’t let that be him”, tall, handsome No. 2 arrived and looked even better than his photos, phew! We went to a pop up rooftop event with lovely views of the city, wine, canapes, fairy lights and blankets, it was all very romantic and I was a smitten kitten with no idea how to play it cool (that part hasn’t changed). We saw each other for a couple of months but unfortunately the spark disappeared quickly and I couldn’t handle certain habits (the snoring particularly!!). I don’t think I was ready for a relationship so I decided to call it a day.

The Friend of a Friend

I met No. 3 at a friend’s house party. A friend of a friend always throws in another dynamic to the situation. I was constantly asking my friend “what’s he saying about me? Does he like me?” the answers from my friend seemed to be the opposite of the signals I was getting from No. 3. A highlight was when one night he intensely sang “You Look Wonderful Tonight” to me (having a little reminisce listen while I write), I don’t know if anyone has ever sung to you before….it’s fucking awkward! After 4 dates I concluded he was too much effort for little reward. Next!

The Insignificant

No. 4 was another Tinder find, this one is relatively insignificant. We went to Bar Americain near Piccadilly Circus for a couple of cocktails. I think it takes around 1 drink to tell if there is going to be a spark or not, as pleasant as No. 4 was, there was nothing there. Luckily I was still commuting to/from Hertfordshire so I politely made my excuses.

The Midget

No. 5 was a classic naive Tinder user error on my part. One thing that you can’t really tell from photos is someone’s height, actually recently some guy panicked that I was 6ft because 1 of my photos is with my tiny 4ft10″ friend! Anyway, about an hour before meeting No. 5 I got a text…”Hey, random question, how tall are you?!” oh shit. Now, I know it sounds shallow and I shouldn’t be heightest but I can’t help who I am attracted to and I like a man to make me feel small. No. 5 was about 5ft3″ slightly shorter than I was, luckily I didn’t have heels on. We had a nice date at a rooftop bar in Camden, I actually enjoyed his company and could have seen him as a friend but that doesn’t really work in this dating game, so we left it there.

The Essex Geezer

The only way I can describe No. 6 is a proper Essex geezer, he was a classic salesman type and thought he was a charmer. We were having a nice drink in a pub near Charlotte Street when he suddenly “remembered” he was meant to be at a work drinks thing and needed to run after 1 drink, at the time I fell for this. He apologised and said he’d love to meet up again the following week….Please can someone explain why they need to lie like this?! He did a classic Houdini and I never heard again.

The Brummy

As I write this I am starting to realise how I may come across judgemental, I try not to be, I also think over the past 3 years I have become much more open minded and I suppose loosened my Mr Right criteria. No. 7 was a Brummy and had such a strong accent that I lost count of the number of times I said “pardon?!”, some accents can be sexy, Berminggum is not one!

The Lust of My Life

Ahh No.8…this guy is was without a doubt the lust of my life. We hadn’t planned to meet but were both be out in Soho on a Friday night. We met at a pub and I have never felt anything like it, I obviously knew I found him attractive from his pictures, but in real life the spark was absolutely electric. I wouldn’t describe myself as a hussy but No. 8 lit a fire inside me and I was not going to wait. A quick emergency shave of the legs (we’ve all been there!) and I will leave the rest to your imagination. Heartbreakingly after a couple more dates I found out he was a commitment phobe and a head-fuck and just wasn’t ready for the kind of relationship that I am. In some ways I think it is a good thing this one stopped there, I’ll always have the memory of that intense passion which I’m sure would have worn off had we continued.

The Baby

Here we get to No. 9, now I am slightly ashamed about how I treated No. 9, I always try to treat people how I expect to be treated and in this case I was badly behaved and not in a good way! I will get on to that. No. 9 had some baggage, he was going through a divorce as his (ex)wife had left him for his friend *alarm bells*. He also had a 1 year old, he was upfront about this and I was trying to figure out if I could cope with the idea…I later realised it is definitely a deal breaker for me. He arrived at our 1st date with a cupcake from his daughter’s 1st birthday party….sweet or creepy? You decide! Anyway for whatever reason I ended up going on several dates with No.9, we went to Barrio Central, Wahaca, wine tasting, The Mayor of Scaredy Cat Town (we were a bit like a walking TimeOut magazine!). After several cocktails one evening I mentioned I was going to The Blitz Party with some work friends and stupidly (but casually) said why didn’t he join?! The next morning I woke up to a text saying he had been to buy his outfit…uhoh what had I got myself in to?! My friends obviously found this hilarious, especially as I had decided I wanted to end it anyway. So, I purposely didn’t invite him to pre-drinks and said I would meet him there at 9(ish). Pre-drinks were my work friend, his girlfriend and No.10! You can probably guess where this is going…with my wine confidence I was extremely forward and told No. 10 that I fancied him but that I had a date on his way so nothing could happen. Even more wine and sneaking around for a cheeky snog with No. 10 seemed very exciting, until we got caught! Bright red lipstick isn’t easy to disguise. Yes, I was out of order..hands up, I admit that and since apologised to No. 9, however he reacted as if I had just completely broken his heart and insisted we leave immediately. We walked back to my flat from Baker Street where I explained why we weren’t compatible. We got in and I went to sleep in my housemate’s room so I didn’t have to share a bed with him and couldn’t help telling her the story hysterically laughing (which he probably heard), I didn’t dare leave her room til midday in fear of facing him in the morning, he’d actually left at 6am! Needless to say, that was the end of that.

The Book Shop

Well he has already been introduced to the story and brace yourselves, this is the all time best/worst story! As you know, we met at The Blitz Party which means he was in uniform and I could not get any idea of his (lack of) style. No. 10 was actually probably one of the most intelligent people I have met, but equally one of the strangest. We met at Waterloo station, always a nightmare…so many exits!! It was a Saturday day date and I was hungover (I learned that lesson the hard way!). He had a backpack with him and got a book out saying “I have this book of fun things in London, so thought we can do stuff from there”. Nice thought, however I don’t know who wrote this book but they certainly have a different definition of “fun” to me! The 1st stop was a quirky jewllery shop, next up a book shop where all books had a blank cover, followed by a men’s boutique clothes shop…at this point it is dawning on me that this is not a good date! Oh and that I’d had wine glasses on when we 1st met. So then we stopped for a cup of tea (I could have used something stronger!) where he told me about his slightly obsessive love of Harry Potter. A couple more random/weird shops and he suggests we get a drink…great I’m gasping!! So we headed to a pub, he found us seats upstairs where we were the only people (damn), he started giving me the creepy eyes and I knew what was coming…he kissed me, now I know I have a choice but the awkwardness of not kissing someone back in that situation is far greater than just going with the flow closing your eyes and imagining it it Tom Hardy (don’t try to pretend you haven’t done it). After what felt like an excruciatingly long time he said he was hungry so we should get some food, why on earth was I still there?! Food is always a win with me though so how much worse could it be? En route to get some food, we walked past Waterstones, he literally dragged me in and said “sorry this is my favourite Waterstones” erm….excuse me?! You have a favourite Waterstones? I was in disbelief. We were browsing the text book section (well I was texting my friends explaining the ridiculousness of the situation and trying very hard to keep a straight face). We were there for an HOUR AND A HALF!!!! Again, why did I not just leave?! Either I am way too nice or way too stupid. He even came over at one point to say “having fun? *big grin*”, I was speechless. Finally we left and reached his choice for food….wait for it…Wetherspoons!! I mean, maybe this was some sort of dare or joke?? So we sit down, oh and of course the football has just started (which he hates and moans about), when he says “OK well I will go up and order mine and then you can go and order yours” again…speechless. Now I am definitely a modern girl and I do not mind going dutch on a first date whatsoever but if you can’t buy me a £5 shitty burger and drink after I have been in Waterstones for an hour and a half then you are not the man for me! At the very least let me go up first, chivalry, what’s that?! I would be impressed if anyone could top that one. No such thing as a bad date…just a good story!

Watch out for the next instalment of dating diasters and stories.

Sophie x