Another instalment of dates to make you giggle. As always they were eventful!

The Gay

First of all No. 21 looked about 12 years old! He’d just moved to London and was a bit of a party animal, not particularly my style. Several conversations about shoes and checking himself out in the mirror behind me my gaydar started bleeping…however, I chose to ignore it and enjoy my evening anyway. We went to a club in Soho (yes, the gay capital of London!) and chatted about this, that and everything. Half way through, a girl who could barely stand up, wearing a top as a dress (God I sound old!) and her greasy looking boyfriend decided to plonk themselves on our table. They were considerably more drunk than us and the girl leaned over and slurred “oh em geee are you two on a first date?!!!”…it’s tricky to know how to answer that one, unfortunately we were honest which lead to a lot of awkward squealing and forced questions. A funny evening in the end but it was quite clear he was more suited to a Steve than a Sophie.

The Audi

Ah No. 22, Mr Flashy Psychiatrist, picked me up in his Audi R8 (apparently that’s a pretty nice car?..), good start you may think. The date on the other hand consisted of sitting on a park bench in the sun for an hour listening to how high powered and important he thought he was followed by him deciding he suddenly had dinner with his parents to go to…I was secretly relieved, I think he was almost as crazy as some of his patients!

The Bore

I don’t like to stereotype but imagine an accountant…you’ve pictured No. 23. We arrived at the same time and found a table at London Cocktail Club, as you may have gathered by now, alcohol is essential to a 1st date, it was a full on awkward 20 minutes until he finally went to the bar! The conversation was even slower than the booze. Needless to say once the drinks did start to flow the wine goggles struck again and I agreed to a 2nd date. The 2nd date we went for dinner (in hindsight it was too soon to commit to a good couple of hours together!), again it was extremely dry and this time obviously mutual. Before we even met he told me he picked the place because it was 2-4-1 (don’t admit that, such a bean counter!). It came to the dreaded moment of all early dates, the bill. I offered to pay my way and he didn’t try to argue (fair enough, us girls want equality and all), we both put out cards down but when the waiter came he put the full amount on his card…I like to think intentionally! No. 23 was clearly pissed off and trying to hide it, I got us a drink out of guilt and then we went our separate ways.

The Arsehole

This is a tricky one to make funny but I guess I can definitely see the entertaining side now. I’ll start with the first date…we met in a nice pub in Notting Hill, he was wearing a tweed jacket and actually looked about 10 years older than he was but he was very charming and we had a great night. I had far too much wine and the following day got awful flashbacks in the office like the fact I bit his ear!!! No, not in a sexy way, cringe cringe cringe. I was busy feeling like I needed to crawl under a stone and never date again, convinced I’d been too crazy for him to want to see again when the buzzer at work went…”Hi, I’ve got a delivery for Sophie”, my heart skipped several beats as the biggest bunch of flowers arrived to my office. I had mixed reactions to the very bold move…creepy or romantic?…at the time I thought romantic, now I reckon creepy is more accurate. No. 24 and I dated for a few months, very early on alarm bells started ringing, he only had girls as friends (a sign of gay or a man whore) and some of his stories didn’t quite add up. I have been with some pricks in the past and instinct told me No.24 was not to be trusted. One morning he went to work early and I decided to have a little nose…bad,I know, but we’ve all been there, curiosity kills the cat (or maybe the kittens in this case!) …and I came across a “sex drawer”..now this may not seem too strange but seeing as he’d only moved there since I’d been seeing him it was a bit weird to me. I couldn’t ignore it so I text him, his response was that they were his ex’s…pretty fucking weird right? Is that kind of souvenir normal?! Speculation with my friends was that they were actually his but he was embarrassed, I’m not sure which I found more concerning. Anyway, a few weeks later I went over and he was changing his sheets (coming to think of it ,he was doing that a lot…) and there was a stain on them…a girl stain, he tried to convince me that it was me but the tampon wrapper in the bathroom bin (not mine) was a bit of a give away…grim. I’d gone to spend NYE with him, as soon as I arrived he sent me back out in torrential rain to top up the electric metre (or probably hide more evidence), I was too shocked too argue. He then didn’t want to have a drink so we sat like a 70 year old couple watching Jools Holland. Happy bloody New Year! Lucky escape and quite chuffed my instincts are strong. #newyearnewme, time to move on.

Das German

As always, online dating is all about resilience! No. 25 was a Bit of a rebound from No. 24. A very impromptu date in St Albans which felt more like a German history lecture! I learnt quite a bit about Nazis and other German politics which was fascinating but not date material! He was also quite short which we already discovered is a bit of a no-go. My year 7 German was not up to scrathc and spelling my name didn’t seem to impress him. This was simply not my Herr Richtig.

The Rugby Player

To start off I suggested meeting at a pub, he arrived 1st to find it was boarded up and I think he assumed I’d played some nasty trick! No. 26 was a Welsh rugby player with a shaved head…I haven’t mentioned this yet but I was definitely going though a phase of being attracted to men with a lack of hair, I guess that bodes well as I get older! We went to Nordic bar and got suitably merry and the wine goggles came out in force… I see a pattern emerging here. The 2nd time we met he was definitely not as funny or “dreamy” as I’d remembered and he kept bringing up things that were nothing to do with me…he was mixing me up with other girls! Once or twice I can forgive but all evening mixed with all of the same questions he had asked on the 1st date just went to show rugby isn’t the only game No. 26 played. Run away run away!

The Jewish One

This one was a really fun date, we went to Caminos (yes, I went there on a date before, I’m not very original!). We had a laugh and good conversation, even some food which is always a bonus. Some people say they can’t eat much on dates, I have never suffered from that issue, the only challenge I find is to not finish mine before they even start! He was Jewish, coincidently I had scoffed some bacon with every meal that day…I’m not sure his mother would approve! I have been on 1st dates with couple of Jewish men, they tend to assume I am Jewish from my photos…thanks mum for the nose!  There was a distinct lack of chemistry and not a huge amount in common so No. 27 and I didn’t make it to date 2.

The Actor

No. 28 was a very flamboyant character who I’d actually love to have as a friend but that’s not allowed in this modern dating game…you hook up or you never speak again, no friendships. We went to Honest burger (I told you I can eat on a date) as we’d had a text debate over London’s best burger haunts, seemed a great idea until I’m dripping in burger grease while trying to look lady-like, no wonder it was a non-starter! He was a part-time actor with bright ginger hair…(lucky escape for the future kids!) and I have no idea if he was playing himself that night or a character. I think the feeling was very mutual that we weren’t picturing each other naked so we did not pursue it any further. He did very kindly send me a list of loads of suggestions for my trip to NYC though, nice to see there are still some good kind people around!

I’ll leave it there for now as I’m starting to get closer to the current day! For anyone wondering…yes, these stories are all true. Still more frogs to kiss to find my prince.

Sophie x