So here it is, the instalment to bring us nearly up to date! I’m not writing about anyone too recent for numerous reasons. I wonder what number will end up as my magic number?!
On to No. 29, he was an Irish charmer and needless to say could drink like a fish (do fish even drink?!). He had pretty good conversation and only talked about potatoes once! A week or so later I was in the pub with my housemates and…Jesus, Mary and Joseph..feck me, there he was in the corner, wearing the most hideous brown stripey suit on his own with his headphones in (a bit strange but at least not on another date!). I sat down quickly with my back to him and gestured to my housemates “that’s him! The guy behind me”, one of them totally misunderstood me and replied “nooo that guy really isn’t fit” haha. Luckily he didn’t spot me and the brown suit was unfortunately a deal breaker.
Anyone who has known me well over the last 3 years knows that I like a little Dutch courage before I go on a 1st date. Usually an unsuspecting colleague will be dragged for a swifty beforehand however, on this particular day no one could come with me and I didn’t fancy the pub alone…so I had the bright idea that I’d pinch a can of G&T from the work fridge and neck it on my way. So, I leave work and I’m tottering along in my heels, looking very overdressed for a Tuesday night, sipping a can of G&T…oozing class. I suddenly realised how chavvy this must have looked so it’d be better to sit down in the park and finish it quickly and quietly. Shit me, round the corner walks my bosses best friend who works in the same office, great…now alcoholic rumours are going to start! No. 30 was a nice guy, he took me to a trendy wine bar and was clearly trying quite hard. He was a couple of years younger than me and hadn’t yet mastered the art of conversation so we reached the “so are you going away this year?” killer pretty early on. I made an excuse to leave as soon as possible without being rude and he insisted on walking me to the tube (nice manners at least). The whole walk there I could tell by his body language he wanted to kiss me, always a horrible feeling when you know you’re not keen. Now the decision at the point is a tricky one, would you rather have the awkwardness of pulling away and rejecting or the awkwardness of an unwanted kiss. I usually opt for option 2, I really wish I hadn’t on this occasion. I’ve kissed a few frogs over the years and let me tell you, this was probably the worst kiss of my life, I actually had to wipe my mouth after…eugh!! So so gross.
No. 31 is one of my favourite stories and I found it hilarious even at the time. I arrived early and was strangely nervous for this date, so I necked a quick glass of wine before he arrived…standard. I felt the pub was quite warm but I put it down to nerves and maybe the speed of that Merlot going to my head. No. 31 walked through the door and I had the rare bonus that he was actually much more handsome than his photos…drop dead in fact! He went to the bar and got us a bottle (good sign, my kind of man) and I soon relaxed. We had loads in common and conversation was easy. After 10 minutes I noticed he was looking quite warm, well… he was wearing a jumper in quite a warm pub. I suggested we tried to find a seat outside which he jumped to…however, no such luck. He said not to worry he would just take his jumper off (revealing an interesting choice of flowery shirt). This didn’t seem to help and he appeared to be getting sweatier by the second, to the point where his hair was wet and he had to keep using his jumper as a towel!! So awkward for him that I had to just laugh and say “it is pretty hot in here”, I think the more he was conscious about it the worse he got. Drops were running down his face!! He tried to blame the fact he cycled home from work….3 hours ago! Funnily enough I was still really keen to see him again but not that surprisingly he wasn’t as keen…probably embarrassed, would have been a good one for the grandkids! I was going to suggest Ice Bar for our 2nd date.
The Competitive One
Full marks for the date idea go to No.32, however very few marks for the execution. He picked a UV mini golf place, sounds great fun, however UV usually requires darkness, this was 3pm on a Sunday. We arrived to what was a dingey British legion club in Dalston, full of only regulars, to discover the mini golf didn’t open for an hour….forced conversation and 3 gins necked, it was eventually time to play. Now I’m not going to claim to be a pro but I do know how to hold a golf club properly and seemed to be having a lucky day (well..as far as the golf was concerned). He, on the other hand, was not…several double figure scores and his mood started to change, I honestly felt like I was with a 6 year old who was about to stamp his feet and cry! Not really an attractive trait. We both made our excuses and made a run for it. I went to drown my sorrows with some friends and wanting to be polite I text him at midnight on a Sunday night saying “thankss golf”..oops.
No. 33 was another Brummy…uhoh, so I was a bit worried about the accent, we’d chatted for a while though so it seemed silly not to meet up. Luckily the accent was only a small twang. He hadn’t got a plan when we met at Waterloo station so we headed to southbank on a sunny afternoon…sounds romantic maybe, but everywhere was so packed it took nearly an hour to get a drink! After said drink, we were walking past the Southbank Centre and we noticed a crowd and a red carpet…it was the BAFTAs, No. 33 squealed “omg that’s the back of Justin Timberlake’s head” I still have a big 12 year old girl crush on JT but I could not tell you what the back of his head looked like!! Other than that we saw a few D-list celebs and the rest of the date was rather uneventful. We didn’t meet up again.
Very occasionally I go through a moment of madness where I decide to go on a health kick…any of my friends reading this will know it’s usually short-lived and I give them full permission to slap me and force a Sauvignon down my neck next time! However no.34 fell foul of one of these rare blips in my life and I decided to have a 2 drink rule (obviously you can’t do T-total on a first date!). Needless to say the date turned out to be as boring as my decision to limit my alcohol…never again. He was an architect and even told me that “it’s in all architects nature to be very arrogant”…wow thanks for the warning, see ya!
No. 35 was a risky one, I’m not sure why I even considered it an option. He had recently come out of an 11 year relationship…university sweetheart. Initially he said they had been separated for a year, yes…he was even still married! Anyway, what do I have to lose?! Maybe he hasn’t yet been corrupted by the modern dating hell. He was unsurprisingly extremely nervous, first date in 11 years, I think I’d be hyperventilating! Luckily for him I’m quite well practiced at first date chat and several wines later it was obvious we clicked. He was very open and honest which I can’t fault him on, he explained the whole history of the ex…probably a bit too much for a 1st date! The story of the break-up was rather elaborate and part of me does call bullshit, possibly he thought I would be attracted to the slightly damaged thing. He then dropped the bombshell that they’d been to The Bahamas 3 weeks before for 1 last try….woah woah woah…that slightly changes things! The fucking Bahamas, are you kidding?! Of course he was adamant that it was the closure he had needed and he was more than ready to move on. We did get on really well though and texted non-stop for a week after the date, he definitely had a few things to learn in the playing it cool game. Low and behold…things weren’t all smooth sailing, the night before our second date I sensed a change of tone (I’ve also got quite good at that) and I get a message to say he’s just seen her….and she wants him back, typical female, we don’t want anyone else having the man even if we don’t want them. Now I mean, I have this 1st date thing down to a tee but 11 years trumps 1 date obviously. Lucky escape that it happened so early and as Sod’s law has it, I then got a message a month later…shock horror, it had been a mistake (the wife did sound like a total crazy) and he wanted to know if it was too late to take me out. Sorry pal…you snooze you lose!
So we reach No. 36, this was a slow burner, we chatted for months on and off before deciding to go for a drink. I think I’d already assumed I wasn’t keen before we arrived so he was fighting a bit of a losing battle. We spent the whole evening talking about work as there didn’t seem to be much else to chat about, he was in to gaming…unless we’re talking PS2 crash bandicoot then it’s not my thing! He also liked snapchat…a lot!! I’d get daily selfies, him at work, him on a train, him on the sofa cuddling a pillow, him in the kitchen, him lying on his bed (cheeky bum shot but no dick pics this time thankfully), him watching tv, him after the gym and my personal fav….the shot of just his chin!!!…I didn’t ask but one can only assume that was to showcase that he can grow designer stubble?! That was the final straw that snapped the camels back, he is not the man for me!
So there we have it, the search is still well and truly underway. There will be a little while until the next update as I need to get out there and collect some more stories! Wish me luck.