Well I’ve been talking about it for a while and 2 weeks ago I finally did it…speed dating. For those of you unfamiliar with concept this is where you pay money to get a pool of 15 men (in this case) who you get to date for 4 minutes before you’re saved by the bell and they have to move on to the next hopeful girl.
The evening didn’t start off too well when my friend and I arrived at the wrong venue! Apparently there are 2 bars named the same in South Kensington. The gormless barman looked at us with pity as he saw it dawn on us that either we were in the wrong place or there was no one else there to date. A stressful £10 black cab for a 5 minute journey later and we ran in to the right venue rather flustered. As most of you know, a drink is an essential part of my dating repetoire so we head to the bar for 2 G&T’s….21 effing pounds!!!! I know I’m in Kensington but I didn’t realise you need a mortgage to buy a drink.
Scanning the room and my pessimism for the evening started to fade slightly as they weren’t all Shrek lookalikes. So we head to pick up our name badges, as if you’re at some awkward work conference, and I get number 13…great start. We find our tables and take a seat, let the fun begin…
Within 1 minute of No. 1 taking a seat the candle on my table went out, pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the evening. No likey, no lighty as Paddy would say. So on to the dates:
No. 1 was going for the long greased curly hair look and was from Skegness…I don’t think I need to continue this description
No. 2 was an experienced speed dater! (Yes, that’s a thing). He decided to skip small talk..fair play..and ask me 2 “important” questions. 1. When was the last time I was happy?! (Um…an hour ago before I got here) 2. When was I last sad? (When you sat down!). The worst part was that I stupidly then threw the questions back to him and he told me his friend died a few days ago 😳. How to kill a 4 minute conversation immediately, thank god for the bell ring (my favourite sound of the evening).
No. 3, I can’t actually remember much of, but I have written “travelling” in my score card (is it called a score card? It looks like a crazy golf score card so that’s what I’m going for). From what I can remember we had a very generic conversation about how much he’s travelled.
No. 4 was the first quite good looking chap. He was Irish and had good chat. He was part of a group of 4 “lads” that had decided last minute that speed dating was a hilariously fun way to celebrate one of their birthdays. The bants was strongly flowing and they were certainly not taking this seriously.
No. 5 the 2nd of the “lads” told me that everything no. 4 had told me was actually made up! He spent most of the time laughing at no. 6 and telling me how dull all the girls so far had been. I leant to the girl on my left and said “these lot, eh?!” Only to receive a death stare for daring to encroach on her 4 minutes..haha. No. 5 was quite good looking and wearing some Shoreditch glasses. It was his birthday night out and he was clearly a party animal. I asked him to throw me his best speed dating question to which I got “what are you passionate about?”, this one stumped me and has had me thinking for 2 weeks…I still have no answers, suggestions are welcome!
No. 6 then followed the theme and informed me that everything no. 5 told me wasn’t true and the glasses aren’t even real. #classicbants
No. 7 was the one who caught my eye when we walked in. He was a tall, Olly Murs cheeky chappy. He ditched the stall and decided to get cosier on the bench seat next to me. Again, we had a laugh about his 3 mates and he wrote his own comment on my scorecard “best one” which probably wasn’t far off. We also decided later that he was a bit strange and very hyperactive.
Then we get a break…thank god, I’m gasping! They’re not silly, they know they can charge the world for a gin and tonic because everyone’s desperate (not just for a drink!).
No. 8 was not very memorable other than he talked about how much he like gardening, I thought the age bracket here was 25-35, maybe he’s going for the wrong crowd.
No. 9 was the Shrek lookalike, I have even written “monster” on the scorecard. He was obviously pumped full of steroids to the point where he looked like Will Smith in the film Hitch when he has an allergic reaction.
No. 10 was what my housemate would call a freshie. He moved to London from India 3 weeks ago and the accent was still quite thick. Very few accents do it for me, I can confirm Indian is not one.
No. 11 had a peanut head, almost comical. He was wearing a tweed jacket about 3 sizes too big for him, the sort your mum buys you at school to grow in to! He was off to the delightful nightclub, Infernos, in Clapham afterwards which I think would have been a shock to his system.
No. 12 was actually a really interesting 4 minutes, he worked for Google in their AI department which is fascinating stuff but as you can imagine, extreme levels of geekiness.
I can’t really remember no. 13, the “so what do you do?” conversations all blur in to one really. I’ve written scared of heights on my score card, as we were in a dingy basement, I’m not quite sure how that was relevant to discuss.
No. 14 was a Polish doctor who had an unfortunate bout of acne. Another generic conversation counting the seconds for the bell.
No. 15, the final date and all hope lost…sorry guys, fairy tales aren’t real, he wasn’t my knight in shining armour. He was a 5ft4 Indian vet who likes cats.
So all in all 75% weird/boring and 25% party animal lads. No luck this time but a funny evening and I wouldn’t totally rule out doing it again.
The evening ended with a lot of drinking with the party animals at an extortionate ski themed club, possibly a cheeky smooch with the birthday boy and a horrific hangover on Saturday morning, I am too old for this!